12 October 2010

Things That Are True - Pity Party Edition

It's been a rough week or two. Emotional fallout from events both recent and in the past have me bone tired. Although past blog posts have touched on some of it, if tangentially, I may talk about it in detail at some point, once I've had a chance to process it more. Or I may decide it's petty and unworthy of even this much attention. There's some turmoil here, and I need to sort it out for myself before I deconstruct it in public.

In the last week some dots have been connected for me, and I'm finding myself angry all the time. I'm not sleeping well. The Imp isn't sleeping well either. I'm not sure if it's The Imp waking repeatedly at night that's contributing to my tension and short fuse, or if it's the tension and short fuse that The Imp's picking up on that's making him wake repeatedly at night. It's a chicken/egg thing, and either way I'm feeling like my parenting is less than optimal.

I'm just so tired of being tired. Night after night I go to bed barely able to form a coherent sentence, morning after morning I wake exhausted. I'm trying to let go of some of this anger, but it's been kept down for a long time and it just keeps bubbling up out of me, like an internal hemorrhage.

I am weary in my soul.

I want to hide in my room, sleep for three days, forget these insights I can't unknow. But I'm working on getting on with it, standing strong, letting the fog bank move through and past me so I can stand blinking in the sunlight.

Because of this. Because everything, all the time, is about this:

There's no opting out of this. Which may be what saves me.


  1. It really does help that these critters are so darn cute! Still, sleep is critical to everyone's happiness. I feel like a walking time bomb when I don't get enough. I makes me crazy. I just hope I can use it as defense if anything should go awry.

  2. Being a mum has forced me to confront some issues that I would rather have left buried or ignored. I was getting on pretty well thank you with just sweeping them under the carpet until my Wee Guy came along. It's incredible how having this little dependent life-thing under your care can suddenly make Sorting Out Your Crap an imperative.
    I sincerely wish you good luck - it's taken me a full five years of head-on confrontation to arrive at a certain peace in my life. It has been worth it but it has been brutal. I hope it'll be a faster process for you and The Imp - keep writing, keep exploring, keep thinking out loud .... they all help :)

  3. Sending you hugs. Its hard and sleeplessness makes everything worse. Hope you can work through it sooner rather than later so you can be back to feeling like your fab self again.

  4. Everything is much, much harder when you're not sleeping. So I hope that, at least, you're able to find a little bit of rest soon.

    And I hope that the fog bank passes as quickly and smoothly as it can. Because fog isn't my idea of a good time.

  5. i feel for you.

    really i do and if i were honest i think many many of us moms feel the same way. it's the hardest thing i have ever done. worth it, yes. but hard as hell. there are days when i just feel like giving up. just yesterday i was saying to my husband, half jokingly of course, that i would love to just slip into a 2 month coma just to get some down time - alone time - solitary time to do nothing.

    i wish you well. you are not alone.

  6. I agree with Amber everything is harder without sleep. I hope that sleep comes soon and that this time passes quickly for you. There will be time to dissect things when you've had some sleep - and perspective.

  7. You are an amazing person

  8. Beautiful Lex. xo (Amanda)

  9. My sleep has been less than stellar for the past...oh 2 months or so. So I can completely relate.

    What I wouldn't give for a nap some days. And as Harriet said, "it's a damn good thing they are so cute"